Being sick Vs Exhaution

I am currently in the 5th day of a period of sickness that started as what we might call “my exhaustion syndrome”, and turned into a proper labellable sickness (aka sinusitis).

The exhaustion syndrome I used to have regularly before the GAPS diet. Once a month minimum, I would work too much, or eat too little, or have a too-short night, and I would end up dealing with 3 days of headache, diarrhea, fever, sore muscles, sour throat, and great tiredness. 3 days during which I would sleep and eat rice and then I’d be over it, and start the cycle again, until the next time.
Whenever it arrived, I knew why, what it would be like and how long it would last.

Since I started the GAPS diet, I’ve almost never had it, no matter how much I work, how little I eat or sleep, how much I wear myself out. I feel strong, I can get through anything – most of the time.
Then, once in a while, I get the syndrome again, and I know I’ve been too far again. (I think in the 2,5 years of diet, I’ve had the syndrome twice. Some change, huh? )
But now I have time to forget between 2 episodes, and I feel kinda silly when it hits me again :”Arh. I should have known better” rather than “well, the work needed to be done, I knew there was a price to pay, too bad”.

I’ve been working non-stop for over 6 months now, barely taking a day off here and there.Then I started being lenient on the sugar, then on the lagers, then on the alcohol, and next thing you know, I’m in bed feeling like a boiling egg. Fair enough.

But his time was different. My situation didn’t improve no matter how much I slept (14 hours a day between the nights and naps). It actually got worse : on the 3d day, when I should have started to feel some relief, the flat decided to show some attitude and constantly get in my way. I still couldn’t stay awake more than 3-4 hours in a row. The pain in my head and mandibles was excruciating (pain in mandibles?). I had no choice but to take anti-inflammatory at night in order to sleep and my stomach wasn’t too fond of it. I almost never take painkillers, and anti-inflammatory is for my 1st day of period exclusively.
The situation was looking quite bad.

The thing is : I know why I get the exhaustion syndrome. And I also know why I get sick. It’s always the same underlying reason : I have been trying too hard to be “normal”. And this time again : not only did I work too hard for 6 months, but since I had arrived in Barcelona (2 weeks prior to getting sick) I also had been pretending that I wasn’t autistic, trying to convince myself over and over, of course failing to act like a NT, which induces a strong sense of being a misfit and a failure of a human being.
Boom, get sick you little shit, that will teach you fool yourself into thinking you’re not different.
Because when I get so very sick, all the social rules I force myself into shatter, and my true self surfaces. I’m too weak then to bottle it up.

So here I am, day 5 into the strongest sinusitis I ever had, trying for the gazillion time in my life to make peace with who I am bound to be, and trying to decide consciously again to be fully myself.
Which, honestly, wouldn’t be too bad : my real self is mischievous, joyful, a little cynic, true, and a bit blunt at times, but also a very loving and cuddly animal.

So why do I keep trying to be normal?
Might be because the overwhelming majority of people have made me feel for long years that I am not acting the way I should, that I am not acceptable the way I am, I am too much this, not enough that, and that overall really nothing is right with me. Just like for anybody, will you say. Well no.  That works exactly like for the diagnosis : it’s just like everybody else, but way more than everybody else, and all at once, all the time.
And so here I go on about my life, constantly punishing myself for something I didn’t do, but I can’t help feeling I did do and need to expiate for, until I get sick and try to set things right again – and probably fail again.

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